Santa (fwd)

Ryan Shelswell (ryan@nospam.socs.uts.edu.au)
Thu, 1 Jun 1995 14:51:34 +1000 (EST)

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sun, 28 May 95 23:25:31 EDT
From: stick@nospam.vnet.IBM.COM
To: ryan@nospam.socs.uts.EDU.AU
Subject: Santa

From: Adrian Seach
SKILLS V3R0
FF41 x7678 SYDVM1(VTSEACH)
Subject: Santa
Hope you haven't got this one...



HOW TO DESTROY SANTA CLAUS...
Written by Mad Hatter.
12/18/94.

I do not actually condone the destruction of Santa, but I wouldn't cry if
it happened. So let me make it clear that this isn't an order or a
request, just hostile indifference.

50. Use the power of Jo-Jo's Psychic Alliance to implode his head.
49. Ask for "YOUR DEATH" for Christmas.
48. Rabid ferrets in his suit.
47. Tell the Heart Disease Association that Santa has a lot of cholesterol.
46. Rakes spread across your living room floor.
45. Seduce him and take the videotapes to the media.
44. Replace his maps of the world with the mazes on the backs of Cap'n Crunch
boxes so that he accidentally hurls himself into the sun.
43. Cry rape.
42. Fall in love with and stalk him.
41. Destroy him with the sheer power of hatred.
40. Cabbage. Hard to explain.
39. Anti-Santa tanks.
38. Abduct his elves one by one by one.
37. Big spikes in the fireplace.
36. Have unprotected sex with him.
35. Gun. Bullets. Look into it.
34. A sleigh-bomb.
33. Poison his reindeer. Especially Rudolph, that freak.
32. Ask for "A GIANT, COOL NUCLEAR BOMB WITH A TEN SECOND TIMER" for
Christmas.
31. Report him for breaking & entering.
30. Nuke the whole bloody North Pole. (note: requires atomic bomb.)
29. Kryptonite. (note: untested.)
28. Tell him Tim Allen kills and then replaces him in a kids movie.
27. Santa voodoo dolls.
26. Build a T1000 to find and destroy Santa, then taking his place and
ruling Christmas forever.
25. Have your chimney lead directly into an Iron Maiden.
24. Beat the living shit out of him.
23. Tripwire and pitbulls.
22. Hire an assassin to kill, 'ONE (1) JOLLY RED FAT GUY.'
21. Shomehow convince all the children in the world that you murdered Santa
and have taken his place-- turning Christmas into a dark and evil day of
the year during which parents are exempt from all the laws that prevent
them from abusing their children.
20. Bulls like red. Investigate further.
19. Introduce him to television.
18. Abduct Mrs. Claus and demand Santa's death.
17. Convince the CIA that he's a Russian spy. (note: I haven't checked the
CIA World Factbook-- they may already know.)
16. Math.
15. Sunshine. Or have I gotten Santa and vampires confused again?
14. Instead of leaving milk with the cookies leave a big colourful bottle
labelled 'NOT POISON' for him.
13. Have him join the cast of Saturday Night Live (note: only destroys his
career.)
12. Eat him. (note: may take a while.)
11. Send him the longest list in the world that takes him THE REST OF
ETERNITY to read.
10. Rob his little den of hatred in the North Pole.
9. Goons. Hired goons.
8. Wait by the fireplace and when he appears grab him, strip him naked and
drag him into the street. Tar & feather him while chanting mean things.
This should embarrass him to the point he won't ever be able to show his
face again.
7. Acquire Heidi Fleiss's client records and blackmail him.
6. Power tools and salt.
5. Find a little boy to make sexual allegations. Don't settle out of court.
4. Send depressing mail to hopefully lull him into suicide.
3. Buy a mean cat.
2. Tease him about his weight.
1. Have the deepest chimney in the world that leads him DIRECTLY TO HELL!

Regards,
Stick.
Not those handcuffs, I want the fur-lined ones.

--

Signal, noise. It's all the same to me.

Ryan